2006
All better now. I love Christmas but for me it's always a little difficult getting through the holidays. A few of my demons like to surface around this time and take over my headspace. I mean I use demons for lack of a better word. They are pretty demure demons. I guess one person’s demon may be another persons dream life but you know – these lads come surfacing anyway and frig me up. When I said I want to live better -- I was trying to say – I want to be a better person. And I want to live in the present more, in the now. I get too caught up in my past sometimes and I then put it to the future to redeem myself and anyway it leaves my head completely congested with no room for what I should be concentrating on. Family, friends, the next five minutes. What I am trying to say is that I am the last person who should complain about anything. So, enough of that.
I was thinking about what to do with this blog. I think I'll try to get off my personal life and focus it more on my two favorite pastimes - books and writing. I don’t know quite how to go about this yet? But maybe quotes for inspiration, attempting a book review or two, putting up the odd creative exercise, directing traffic to writing articles, ezines and blogs with outstanding short stories, poetry, prose? Maybe I will include a new word every now and then that I come across while reading? Share my discovery of it. You know, just anything to do with books and writing. It will not be a professional writing site by any stretch – but I read, I write, and want to share.
Greg has his own server now, so I think I’ll even attempt to make my own website. Why not? I still have dreamweaver and I did take a HTML course once upon a time. How brave I feel when facing a whole new year.
Yesterday I took Monica to Narnia. Now for some reason I didn’t have a great desire to see the movie and kept putting it off every time poor Monica approached me with going but I really enjoyed it. And of course so did Monica. She is becoming quite the fantasy enthusiast. Lots to do today. Having friends over for supper and maybe a game of Cranium afterwards (A Christmas gift) We (Greg, Erin, Monica and I) played it Christmas evening and thought it was great fun. We are also invited to a house Party tomorrow to celebrate New Years and I have to go buy an outfit. I must have mentioned before that I hate shopping. Especially for clothes, especially for me. Well I guess hate is a strong word, I dislike shopping but besides jeans and hoodies I have absolutely nothing to wear to this party. And the dogs chewed up my only pair of decent shoes, which leaves me with a pair of boots and a pair of running shoes. Should be some sales still happening?? (Ok that is my last babble) Happy New Year!!
a little winter whine
Christmas was lovely. However, I still can’t get use to how quiet they are even after this long. I was once so sure of the huge family gathering with everything it entails from the drama to the humor to the lows and highs. So, it usually kicks in around Christmas day for me, just as I am setting the table for the meal, how much I miss the commotion of a large family. For a second I become engulfed in homesickness so strong I wish the holiday over. But then once the meal is underway and the four of us are sitting around the table, talking and laughing and filling ourselves up with turkey and the trimmings, I feel blessed to have what I have. We use to go home for Christmas. We use to drive. Stay at Greg’s parents place. Running around trying desperately to visit everyone over the holidays. We usually never made the plaster rock highway before dark. That was always Greg’s one point about driving. As long as we get to the Plaster Rock before dark. We rarely did. He never minded driving through Montreal but he didn’t like the Plaster Rock. There are so many twists and turns to it. One year we came upon a deer, twisted and broken but alive. I said we have to stop and Greg said we can’t stop here on a turn and just as he said it a logging truck went by us, practically flying. It was a mercy to the deer but I shudder thinking if I got out of the car. What could I have done for it anyway? Kids were small then and thank God didn’t see any of it from the back seat. “What deer! What deer! I want to see the deer.”
No, I don’t think you do.
The plaster rock is a short cut through the province of New Brunswick and there is a town on one end of it and a town on the other end and for two hours nothing in between but trees and snow. One year we hit it during a snowstorm, found a vehicle in the ditch, gave the guy in it a lift into town. When driving out the other end of it, spotting the first house, sitting in a field, yellow light of small square windows shining on the night, I would feel truly home. That the river was only a short distance from here and family was just a little further down the road. It was always a wonderful feeling. I miss going home for the holidays but I find I need to be there in the summer and can only really justify one trip a year. Sometimes here, the winters feel a little like the Plaster Rock Highway, stretched in front of me – in between here and home.
I feel I need to make changes this year. I feel like I live but I don’t live well. I never take chances. I always feel like I am waiting for something to happen but I won’t make things happen for myself. . Sometimes I wonder if I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome – I get small bursts of energy when I can accomplish a great amount but in between it seems like a lot of down time. I don’t always see things as they are. I would like to see things clearer. The other day, we were having supper at a friends place and my daughter came into the kitchen and was talking to my friend and for a second I think I saw my oldest daughter as she was seeing her and I felt this overwhelming pride in this daughter who is growing up with such a strong sense of self. I like the way she takes up space in a room. How she settles into it and makes it hers. She is a little too shy at times, especially in class, but she is well liked and has close friends that she has been with since Kindergarten. I keep reminding myself when I start feeling a little inept in my life that I am part of this wonderful family and this city is our home and we are living well in it. I want to let go of the east coast just a little, so that I can let myself live here, give myself permission to be home here. I am tired of feeling like a fish out of water, not because I am but because that was the way I decided I would feel about this city. 2006 – I will try harder.
shed 
friday
Went to the quarry with the dogs. It was cold today but the sun was bright. Wish I had brought my camera but I haven’t quite mastered walking two dogs yet, let alone walking two dogs while trying to take pictures. I had kept them on the leash since last Wednesday because of their incisions but today I let them off and they ran and they ran and they ran. It was a joy to watch. At one point they disappeared around a small hill and when I whistled for them, Bow immediately came flying over the top at a full gallop (do dogs gallop?) - her white and tan coat blending in with the snow and she was gorgeous, like a small artic wolf and then Cinnamon appeared with her ears up and her tail wagging and it dawned on me, I have some really fine looking dogs. Annie was beautiful too but these dogs almost look like they’re purebred they are so proportional – nice straight legs, big paws, pretty faces. And they’re nice dogs – even the vet commented on their personalities. It was a big decision taking both – my mother in law never calls without asking Greg - what was she (meaning me) thinking getting two dogs. But it is working out well. Cinnamon sleeps with Erin every night. I peek in sometimes to see them both resting on the same pillow. Bow, much to Monica’s dismay, prefers to sleep on the mat by the front door. I think she likes the draft that wafts in from the bottom. A Husky thing I guess? Anyway, I am now totally in love with both of them. I like the extra warmth they bring to this house.
I also thought I would include a story here that I kind of finished. It didn’t quite happen the way I wanted it too but then again which one ever did? It turned out a little too light and corny in some spots– not quite what I was trying for. I was Christmas shopping the other day and I was kind of wandering somewhat aimlessly through one of those big mother of all bookstores – I spent a half an hour in the fantasy section, a half an hour in the children’s section, about three quarters of an hour in the writing section – became a little excited over all the books on writing but I don’t have any idea which ones are the essential ones. I think I might suggest to Greg to get me, The Element of Style for a Christmas present. I could use a little style.
Interior designer, I'm not
I have made a few mistakes with this new kitchen but I think we can live with them. Well, first the contractor made our floor so level (which is what we wanted) that it now draws attention to the sloping ceiling. We have nothing left in our budget to fix the ceiling. Second I thought I had a pretty good match for the floor tile and counter top but now seeing them both in bigger sizes – they don’t really go so well together. 3rd, when we planned out the cabinet area we had to work around the large cast iron radiator – but once the cabinets were in, we were told about these new, small wall mounted radiators that we then decided to purchase – if I knew this four weeks ago I would have had room for about eight more inches of counter space and that would have made a big difference because for some reason we ended up with the same amount of counter space as we had before – we had to ditch the double sink and put in a single just to gain a bit more counter top. And to top it all off we painted this weekend and the colour I picked is a little too dark. I like to blame Greg but I picked the colour – he even warned me that paint usually goes on a shade darker than the swatch colour. – I was also sure they had said it would be completed in two weeks but two weeks is up and now he says not until the middle of next week. It is not his fault, the floor took longer than he thought and he had to do some rewiring and the last plumbing job was a bit of a do it your self situation so he had to redo some of that and for some reason we had about a four foot gas pipe in the wall, which was capped at one end, which I guess was against code so that had to be removed. Lots of little things that kept delaying things but all that being said I want him to go home now. Christmas is fast approaching and I need my kitchen but that isn’t the real reason – mostly it is because I am a little anti social and I’m finding it difficult having someone in my house constantly. I want to be alone! Anyway, it will get done. Dogs are doing fine after their spayings. They get their stitches out on Friday. My instruction from the vet was to keep them apart. But after two days of Bow howling for her sister, I simply said have at it girls. Rip out each other’s stitches if you have too but just do so quietly. They seem to be fine.
Other than that, I think I might just hide up here for the remainder of the day and write. Not that I don’t have a thousand things to do but I am a little on edge and I think escaping into a story is what I need to do.
Sandy 1970
a whole year
tomorrow is december the eighth.
I wanted to write something about her, to her but none of the words i jot down seem fitting. I want to remember things clearer. Mainly the moments we shared as children. -- i'm frighten that I might start forgetting all the little things about her.
the contractor
The contractor we have doing the kitchen is amazing. He is so organized and hard working and he’s a dog person and he’s just plain nice. I wish he would wear a mask though. It can’t be good for him breathing in that construction debris all the time. He drives in from out of town every morning and even then he is here before Greg and I can pull ourselves out of sleep mode. I cringe a little when he starts up the power tools before 8 just because this is a semi-detached and I wonder what the neighbours must think of that. Anyway, this morning Greg reached over and hit the alarm clock for the second time and I mumbled, “you know I bet if we just stay here for a few minutes longer, he’ll probably make the coffee and bring us both up a cup.”
When I went down stairs, he came in through the back door, smiled and said, “Well, I see the elves didn’t drop by in the night to finish this up for me.”
I was thinking, no, they were probably at their workshop wondering when you were dropping by to help them
timing
Little overwhelmed these days. We started the kitchen. The contractor tore up about four layers of flooring and found original maple hardwood beneath it all. My eyes lit up thinking maybe we could just refinish it, replace the damaged sticks – but he needed to get at the sub floor to fix the joints, joists? (whatever makes a floor level) Anyway we already bought the tile – but for a minute I thought wouldn’t it have been lovely to bring the original floor back to life. Man, everything is in such disarray around here and will be for the next two weeks. My basic domestic skills are poor at the best of times. You should see them now during this renovation! My dining room is over flowing as it tries hard to be both kitchen and eating area. My knives and forks are balanced oh so precariously on top of the plates on top of the microwave on top of a small table pressed up against the French doors. The dog crates are in the hallway with just enough room for us to squeeze through and I can’t find any of the lids to my pots, which doesn’t really matter because I don’t have a stove anyway. – It is sort of like camping without any of the peace and tranquility or marshmallows (unless you count the dog). And then there is Christmas fast approaching and the dogs are be spayed this Tuesday. So I’m going to have dogs with cones to add to this clutter, may as well just buy a bull and bring him into the house. I just have to take in a big breath and think how pleasant things will be in January. New kitchen – a floor I don’t need to wax, twice the amount of drawer space and counter top, a double sink with one of those pull out faucets, a dish washer – oh gosh a dishwasher. It’ll all be fine - and visions of a rinse cycle danced in her head.
