behindtheax

weekend

Greg said the other day that I was on an anti quest for self-awareness?? That I do absolutely everything in my power not to confront the person I am? I know I avoid certain things but its how I get on and getting on is mainly all its about, isn’t it? Had a long talk with my sister on the phone (the one who is going through a divorce). We use to be very close but we drifted slowly apart – well I drifted to Toronto and over the years the communication between us just slowed down to a trickle but I know she has been unhappy for a very long time and although this is a difficult time for her, she can see the clearing finally and I know things will be better for both parties shortly, and hopefully for the children. They are both good people but just not good together. I was her best woman at her wedding and I had only met her husband to be a few times before that but I had mentioned to Greg that I didn’t think this was the greatest match up. I just couldn’t spot the chemistry. So, then you start wondering what is the right equation for a happy marriage?

Greg and I were at our high school reunion last summer and those who didn’t know that we became an item after high school were flabbergasted to see us as a couple. I mean Greg was this well liked, funny, intelligent guy and I was this extremely shy, unpopular, c+ student. But it worked. So far anyway. Sometimes I think it works for me because I use him as my confidence. Greg has enough drive for both of us but I don’t know sometimes what I give back in return? His comment about the anti quest stemmed from an article he read about shyness and he asked why I didn’t want to see someone regarding it because it might help me get out of my shell, become less anxious in situations that involve other people, possiably live better? And I simply laughed at the idea, which triggered a discussion on self-awareness -- I was trying to say that shy people were too aware of self to begin with that sometimes it almost borders on narcissism. (I mean not all shy people)

And he informed me that self-absorption and self-awareness were two entirely different things. I think self absorption is when you take what you perceive people think about you and pile them up inside you. Self-awareness is when you get rid of all that external garbage and go inward and find the person that you truly are. And this is what I avoid. Sorry, this is one convoluted blog entry and its funny because what I started out to write about is the movie The Libertine and how I enjoyed it. Greg and I watched it Thursday night and I am still thinking about it. Maybe I should read up on this Earl of Rochester?

posted by mary j. @ 11:49 AM