behindtheax

Ipod Therapy

It’s snowing which is fine because it feels warmer. Insulation, white and drifting, laying its coat over everything. This is usually the part of the year where I begin to slide – lack of sunshine or something. What do they call it SADD’s? Seasonal affected depression or something like that? Perhaps it is just a strong wish to hibernate. I may have a bit of bear in me which makes me think again of Elle, Douglas Glover’s book which makes me smile because I thought parts of it were so hilarious.

Anyway, I wish I had some woods to walk in, , where the snow lays untouched, where I can get rid of this pressed in feeling. I keep thinking about my sister and I keep pushing it away. I can’t go there right now, I will eventually, but not today.

Not that she always leaves me off the hook this easily. A week ago I was exercising up in my bedroom ( I like to jog outdoors but only from April to November.) For now I just do this jogging/ jumping/ boxing sort of thing to the music on my ipod. I have a routine that works for me and I have a number of tunes that I do it to but this particular day I must of selected random play because I was getting these songs that I don’t usually exercise too and a lot of them were really fast, so I was working up a pretty good sweat and I guess I was starting to release a lot of pent up energy or something, letting my guard down and then this Lowest of the Low song came on – dogs of February- and suddenly a little ways into this song, it felt like these words were actually coming from my sister.

Don't you love it when it doesn't work out quite the way it was supposed to
Don't you hate it when it isn't quite, like the fairy tale that they told you

You can shut me out again. Or choose to disregard the pain
But I really wish you wouldn't


Anyway, by the time that song is finished I’m crying a little and then Van Morrison immediately starts up with In the garden – which I didn’t mind at first because I got to slow down a little but the melody and the lyrics had me bawling by the end of it.

The streets are always wet with rain
After a summer shower when I saw you standin'
In the garden in the garden wet with rain

You wiped the teardrops from your eye in sorrow
As we watched the petals fall down to the ground
And as I sat beside you I felt the
Great sadness that day in the garden

At the end of my routine I always cool down with this stretch/yoga combination and by this time I am feeling completely spent emotionally and physically and so of course The Band starts up with BoB Dylan’s song –Light come shining.

They say everything can be replaced,
Yet every distance is not near.
So i remember every face
Of every man who put me here.

I see my light come shining
From the west unto the east.
Any day now, any day now
I shall be released.

I don’t know, at that point I didn’t feel any of it was random.

posted by mary j. @ 10:49 AM